I'd wear 7, 9, 15, 23 and 49 What Your Yankees Shirt Says About You
 Being a Yankees fan isn't as easy as it looks. Sure, we have the best players and the most championships and that auto-renewing account with Champagne wholesalers, but, with real estate prices as they are in New York, our closets simply are not big enough to fit jerseys and T-shirts of every Hall of Famer or current All-Star. That means fans must choose but one or two players to represent in the stands of the Cathedral of Baseball. These decisions are obviously not easy, unlike in Kansas City, where you buy a #5 George Brett and be done with it. (Why, oh why, couldn't I have been born a Royals fan? They get all the breaks!) Yankees fans' choice of jersey also says a lot about who they are. Here's what I've observed: #1 Billy Martin: You remember exactly where you were when Aaron Boone dusted off the 2003 Red Sux — in the men's room, pissing out your 12th beer. #2 Derek Jeter: Everyone loves Jeter, of course. But not everyone wears Jeter. A guy like me kinda can't, for two reasons a) I don't wanna seem like I jumped on the post-1996 bandwagon; and b) I'm not a trashy chick who wears tight pink jerseys and drinks at Stan's cesspool. (From here on, said fans will be referred to as "Skankees.") #3 Babe Ruth: Not as prevalent as you might think, considering he's the most iconic baseball player ever. I don't think people really believe a guy who was "nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs" really did dominate the sport. The guy was portrayed by John Goodman, for fuck's sake. #4 Lou Gehrig: You see these occasionally. Actually has New York roots and was a legend without baggage. You're probably a lawyer with nothing in your memorabilia collection worth less than $1,000. #5 Joe DiMaggio: You're a cheap asshole. Or you didn't read the book. #6 Joe Torre: You keep score at the game and sit in the no-alcohol section. Obviously, I've never seen one. #7 Mickey Mantle: You think gas prices would be only $2.10 a gallon if the Mick hadn't tripped on that sprinkler in the 1951 World Series. #8 Yogi Berra: You rate personality over looks. #9 Roger Maris: You long for the day when Mark McGwire cries on 60 Minutes. #10 Phil Rizzuto: You hit .250 in Little League. #11 Gary Sheffield: You grew up in Scarsdale, but wear it to look hard. #12 Wade Boggs: I don't care if you were wearing it when the Yankees won the 1996 World Series. You really need to buy a new shirt. It's been nine years since he was on the team. #13 Alex Rodriguez: You've moved on from the 1996-2000 dynasty clubs. Let go already. The more you boo an MVP, the more you discredit what those teams did, because you're saying they did the expected, not the incredible. #14 Lou Piniella: You flipped off someone while driving to the Stadium. Maybe two. #15 Thurman Munson: There's a 99.999% chance you have a mustache. You're around 45 and haven't worn a suit since your best friend got married in 1989. #16 Whitey Ford: Your last name is Ford. Otherwise, I can't see Mantle-era fans sporting this one. #18: Johnny Damon: Wow, you hate the Red Sux. Wearing this one in Boston is akin to walking around with your middle fingers raised. (I wholeheartedly support this, by the way.) #19 Aaron Boone: Wow, you really hate the Red Sux. This one was clearly bought between 12:16 a.m. on October 16, 2003, and when he blew out his knee in the offseason. A great one to wear at Fenway, obviously. #20 Bucky Dent: Wow, you really, really hate the Red Sux. The perfect Fenway wardrobe. You might also be a chick who just thinks he was hot. #21 Paul O'Neill: You love baseball and probably play on four softball teams, like I do. #22 Robinson Cano: You're probably Dominican. Who knows? (Nice start by him, by the way.) #23 Don Mattingly: You're between 27 and 37, and you never had another favorite player. Mere mentions of names like Chuck Cary, Melido Perez and Alvaro Espinoza rip through you like sharp knives. No one could ever call you a front-runner because you were part of the paltry 21,589 average attendance in 1992. The 1995 Game 5 loss in Seattle was the worst Sunday night of your life. #24 Tino Martinez: Just like O'Neill fans, but more popular with the Skankees. You boo A-Rod even though Tino batted .231 with a .321 OBP and a .351 SLG in 21 postseason series (99 games, 356 AB, two series with Seattle included). #25 Jason Giambi: Another Skankee fave. You're still thinking of how to gracefully defend the guy for using steroids. Apart from that, you just say, "Like you wouldn't for $100 million, asshole." #27 Kevin Brown: I actually saw one once. A foreign-looking guy pulled one out of a bag in the Stadium last year. Must've found it in the $5 clearance bin or something. The number is obviously desecrated forever. #33 David Wells: You're really fucking cheap, because he's hated now. Get rid of it! #35 Mike Mussina: You're a chick. Period. #41 Randy Johnson: You see only a few of these. Not popular with the Skankees. #42 Mariano Rivera: Every year he gets more popular. Man, I hope he remains a Yankee till the end, but it's not a role you can string out, like Bernie's. #44 Reggie Jackson: Humility is not your strong point. #45 Carl Pavano: You're Carl Pavano's mother. #46 Andy Pettitte: You found your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend in bed with someone else, but you can't shake the good memories. #49 Ron Guidry: You're one of the minority of Yankees fans who loves fishing. #51 Bernie Williams: His is an old T-shirt you just can't throw away. Been with ya through the good times and the bad. #55 Hideki Matsui: You always pay your taxes on time. You might also have earlobes the size of large pizzas. #69 Your Own Name: You're a complete assclown. | 
go figure
